Your Nervous System Is Not Behind

It is easy to assume that healing should move in a clear, forward direction. Many people measure themselves against timelines, milestones or imagined versions of who they should be by now. They notice that others seem calmer, more grounded or further along, and quietly conclude that something in them is lagging behind.

This sense of being behind is rarely about facts. It is about expectation.

The nervous system does not heal on a universal schedule. It adapts in response to lived conditions, shaped by how long safety was absent, inconsistent or conditional. A system that needed to stay alert for many years will not settle on demand. It does not move more quickly because someone else’s system appears to have done so. From the perspective of nervous system regulation, there is no correct pace, only the pace at which safety can be integrated without overwhelming the body.

If you want a clear, science-based explanation of this, the work of Dr Stephen Porges on the Polyvagal Theory offers helpful context on how the nervous system learns safety and threat over time. You can explore this through resources such as Polyvagal Institute.

Why comparison distorts reality

Comparison makes this harder to see.

When you compare your internal state to someone else’s outward presentation, you are often comparing very different histories, nervous systems and thresholds. What looks like ease in another person may have been built on a foundation of safety that you did not have access to. Or it may be something they are actively managing behind the scenes. Either way, comparison tends to obscure the conditions that shaped your own nervous system responses.

Trauma-informed educators such as Dr Gabor Maté and Dr Bessel van der Kolk have written extensively about how long-term stress and relational harm shape regulation and self-perception. Their work helps contextualise why moving slowly is not a deficit, but a nervous system reality. You may find their perspectives useful through sources like The Trauma Research Foundation or Compassionate Inquiry.

The pace at which regulation develops

Periods that feel stagnant or repetitive are often part of how regulation develops. The body needs time to test whether safety is consistent, not just present. It learns by noticing what happens when nothing dramatic occurs. When boundaries are held. When rest does not lead to collapse. When connection does not require self-erasure.

These processes are slow by design. They are how nervous system healing actually unfolds.

Research in developmental trauma and attachment consistently shows that regulation is built through repeated, non-contradictory experiences of safety. Organisations such as Beacon House UK and The Anna Freud Centre offer accessible resources that explain this in grounded, practical ways.

When people feel behind, they often respond by pushing themselves. They try to speed up healing, apply more effort, or override signals that feel inconvenient. While this can look productive on the surface, it often reinforces the very patterns that keep the nervous system activated. Pressure tells the body that something is still wrong.

What healing really asks for

Healing does not mean eliminating activation or never feeling unsettled again. It means developing the capacity to move through those states and return, without becoming lost in them. That capacity grows through repetition, consistency and enough experiences that do not contradict each other.

If your nervous system is still cautious, it is not because it has failed to learn. It is because it learned very well under difficult conditions.

Many trauma-informed clinicians, including Deb Dana, emphasise that progress looks like increased capacity, not constant calm. Her work on everyday regulation is available through platforms such as Sounds True and Polyvagal Institute.

There is no finish line you are missing. There is no correct version of where you should be by now. There is only the pace at which your system can integrate safety without needing to stay on guard.

Relating differently to your progress

If you find yourself measuring, comparing or judging your progress, it may be worth shifting the question. Not how quickly you are changing, but how much your body has already adapted, and what it might need in order to soften further.

For readers who want a practical, research-based perspective on this, Mind UK and NHS Every Mind Matters both offer clear explanations of how recovery from chronic stress and trauma does not follow linear timelines.

Your nervous system is not behind. It is responding to the life it has lived. With time and consistency, it can continue to change, without being rushed.

What this means

Feeling cautious does not mean you are doing something wrong. Moving slowly does not mean you are failing. Taking time is not a weakness in your system. It is a sign that your body is prioritising safety over performance.

If this reflection speaks to your experience, you are welcome to explore my work as a trauma informed practitioner, through 1:1 support, self-paced courses or written resources. There is no pressure to begin. You are allowed to move at the pace your nervous system sets.